Peach Tree Memory

A cup of peach tea – memory:
Earlier this year, I saw a peach tree. 

Week by week, the peaches grew;
Morning by sunrise, I knew
Change: a soft surprise
Glimpsed through chlorophyll eyes.


Cocoon

Cocoon,
For what I cannot say.
Some strange fierce beast
May yet emerge,
Undreamt of in philosophy,
Unspoken in our time.

No polite creature,
It didn’t wait for conception.
No act of patient creation
Or standing in time.

It stretched, and grew,
Composite and whole,
Though the eyes that see can’t tell:
It yawned, and, looking out,
asked its riddle.

Today – They Mowed The Grass

Today – they mowed the grass. 
Alas! 

The jungle is vanished; the leaf-temples
Subject to expedition, 
Have given up their mystery air. 
No more, the emerald; no more, altars where
Unimaginable rites were –
…Imagined. 

All this lies shattered, buried
Piles of grass and topiary
Of doom. Tomorrow – 

The hunter-gatherers move in.


And you can bet I’ll be surveying their campfires through my binoculars. From the safety of the balcony.


Going Slow

My definition of a good day is simple: it’s a day when time moves at the right speed. 

“The right speed” means not too fast over the good parts, nor too slow over the parts that I would skip if I could. Everything is simply in the right time in the right place. This is how an ordinary day becomes perfect.

Conversely, pretty much any great life crisis is linked to time becoming singularly uncooperative. It’s those moments when life forces you to move at a different speed than you envisioned; nearly always slower, or (in less common cases) more quickly, but in a direction you would not have voluntarily chosen. 

I recently joined one of my more charmingly mischievous coworkers in an effort to explain to another grocery store coworker – half teasing – how to work slowly. Take your time, we said: what’s the rush? Smile at everyone, lean against the counter, carefully dust the same spot for ten minutes or more. Saunter to get water, multiple times a day. Double-check your password, your online training statuses, your schedule and your timecard. Relish the small tasks that can be repeated ad infinitum with complete ingenuousness.

To clarify, this would not be my normal advice. It is evidence of the sheer unprecedented nature of our time (read: pandemic) that I was advising what under normal circumstances (alright, the dictionary definition) would be considered “dawdling.” And the coworker to whom we spoke is notorious for doing her work in record time, as she has all her life. She has worked in food services since around age 16, and she is now around age 71. If I asked her the meaning of the word “slack,” I am confident she would throw something heavy at me. 

But this coworker’s normal workplace routine is currently not applicable. She is, currently, not allowed out on the grocery store floor, because she is elderly and at heightened risk from Covid-19. She also cannot afford to lose pay from being sent home early, as she might if a manager noticed she had run out of things to do. It’s the proverbial rock and a hard place (coupled with a stubborn and spicy temper). So we coaxed and cajoled her to go slow. But the main problem with going slow, it turns out, is that she is determined not to be “a slow person”. 

Have you noticed? So much of our identity is linked to the speed at which we live our life. 

As Death in the Sandman comics says, “You get what everyone gets; you get a lifetime.” In the face of infinity, it doesn’t matter if you’re “slow” or “live in the fast lane.” It doesn’t matter if you made the “30 under 30” list. It doesn’t even matter if you have time to develop all your ideas, finish all your projects, do what you came to do; you almost certainly won’t. 

I’m not going to tell you to slow down, or make peace with your life. I couldn’t do either of those things if my life depended on it. If you can’t pay attention to today because your head is stuck in yesterday or tomorrow, that’s your business, and I wish you the best. But for Heaven’s sake – don’t do it because you feel you need to be “the sort of person who…” lives your life at a speed anything other than your own.

Amulet for the Everyday

I’m bad at reassurance. I’d say hang in there, but I don’t want to tell you what to do. I don’t want to burden you with survival, that yoke of expectations that will likely turn out not to be true. 


Besides, I have something to give you that’s better than reassurance. It’s a small thing and sometimes rests easy when worn correctly; you’ll find it makes its own weight. Go ahead, take it – it may be different than you expect. You want to know what it is? It’s an Amulet for the Everyday. 


They’re easy to find when you aren’t looking, notoriously hard to make. It’s the sort of thing you need most when its existence is least likely. This one was a bit of a trick to craft. Most of the necessary tools and materials are currently in short supply. So this particular Amulet is a bit of an ad hoc arrangement, but it could be enough to give you a few moments’ breathing space. 

Because you must wear it so closely, you may have a hard time seeing it. Here is what it looks like. 

It has a circular form of chain links. The links range from perfect rounds to progressively distorted shapes, because our days are progressively distorted from our expectations until our expectations are re-shaped. 

It is made of surfaces polished to a high reflection. It reflects its surroundings, taking them in and taking them on. It holds the outside world, just for a moment, before letting it go. 

I already said it makes its own weight. Most times it’s so light you wouldn’t notice, but sometimes it’s far too heavy – the weight of something with inertia, inevitability. Once it creates a pattern it will hold the weight of whatever your Everyday holds. 


What does it summon? Your Everyday, otherwise known as “normal.” The details will vary for each of us, but it is always something predictable. “Normal” guarantees today will be like yesterday and tomorrow like today, an unbroken chain of certainty. It also predicts us. We are what we do repeatedly, composed of our own repetitive motions. The Everyday seems to be everywhere, until it isn’t. 

Once an Everyday is gone, it’s gone. A new one must be re-made from scratch, from the ground up and the raw materials of life and thought and passions. There’s no point in trying to make it sturdy; it will never be as strong as the world rushing around it. It’s a fragile form, for all it pretends to the weight of the inevitable. I tell you this because you are probably crafting a new Everyday right now, though you may not realize it. 

Of course, this Amulet is just a construct, an idea. I did warn you it was an ad hoc arrangement. It can’t give you back what has already vanished. But it can let you see which parts of your changing life are changing you. It can give you a few seconds’ space to choose what you reflect, what you allow to gain weight of inertia – what you allow to be your new Everyday.


When Words & World Well Up

When words and world well up, dark as silt –
A river delta, catchment for time’s hard flow. 

The spreading out and gathering in, 
Gathering in shape and memory of land;
World remade with each upstream flood. 

We are changed because we stand on the shore. 
We see change, rather than flow or memory’s flood:
This is the onlooker’s price. 

This is the price for not jumping in
When a river roars by your doorstep.

Let Me Imagine The World Undone

Let me imagine the world undone, 
Just a glimpse:
The molecules and chance,
Shiva’s dance,
Rehearsed.

Let me imagine a bittersweet meeting
Of things apart:
Unity given sway,
Entropy’s way
Reversed.

Did you think this life
Had no price?
Spark of heat and fire,
Molecular desire –
Cooled under life’s demands.

Leopard Time

Sometimes you have to be a leopard. 

Fur, teeth, spots and all, you wait on a tree limb while the world passes you by. What choice does it have? It doesn’t know you’re there. That’s alright; for now, you’re just watching the parade. You may watch all morning, all month, or until the next mid-century rolls around. 

At this moment, your best skills are time and holding still. What do you think this is, some kind of nature documentary? The brawn and skull-cracking jaws come later. For now they are of no use to you – in fact, just forget their existence, it’s distracting. This is Leopard-In-A-Tree time, not Leopard-Dropping-Onto-Surprised-Takeout time. 

Here’s the best thing you can do: watch everything. Watch crickets in the grass, watch elephants and zebras. Watch the ant-lion build traps, the leaves that rustle in a hot breeze; the ridiculous matted-carpet fur of the lion, and the lions’ midday nap. See the skies’ change towards dry season, see the crack and torrent of monsoon. They may not be what you’re craving, but they’ll give you something. 

Shall I rephrase the above? Wherever you find yourself, that’s where you are. If you’re stuck on a tree limb watching an unreachable buffet while fleas make friendly with your blood – you’re in luck1. If no one cares you’re there, so much the better. It makes it easier to watch. 

If you’re careful, you’ll see something no one has ever seen, you’ll find what everyone else has overlooked. And then you’ll say what no one else has ever said, or better yet – you’ll say what thousands have already said, but you’ll say it in the words that finally stick. 

For a leopard, that’s called lunch. For a writer, that’s called a paragraph. 

Good luck, leopards. 


One of the best insults I’ve recently heard comes from an irate Henry Miller, describing an American lady: “…You velvet-snooted gazelle.” Leopard words indeed. 


1 Ask your vet to recommend a good flea collar. It works wonders, I tell you.

The (Not) Like A Virgin Guide to Creating Stuff

Philadelphia, 1972. It is the first day of class at Moore College of Art and Design, and a professor leans against his desk. He is rolling up his pressed cotton shirtsleeves with paper-like folds, methodical in the September sunlight. As the squeak of wooden chairs dies down, he neatly finishes with his cuffs and turns his attention to the room full of all-female freshman. His introduction is brief: he says, calmly: “There are no virgins in my class.” 

Do you think he had their full, outraged attention? Damn straight he did. This is a trick every writer should learn. Seven words, spoken almost fifty years ago, and we’re still talking about it. 

Of course I wouldn’t recommend using those words, particularly if you are an older male professor at an all-female college. This is advice I believe to be sound whether the year is 1972 or 2020. For only seven words, there are – as academics say – many things to unpack1

There are two parts to this smoking gun of a statement. The first – the technique – is the trigger; the words themselves. They are incendiary, provocative, infuriating. These words manage that most difficult of acts – capturing head and gut together. In the same way the most effective memory palaces often tie information to R-rated imagery, the statement’s framing triggers listeners’ gag reflex along with their imagination. The strength of the reaction guarantees a memory is formed. It is what gives these words their staying power. 

The second part of this statement is the content – the bullets, if you will. Bullet points. I have obligingly arranged four of them below for your perusal. 

But before you get to them, let me line up some additional circumstantial evidence to support my case for these words’ depth beneath the conceit. This particular professor’s other signature phrase (as became apparent to students throughout the rest of the semester) was: “There is nothing new under the sun.”2 To wit: the artist isn’t inviolable. 

A human unquestionably has the right to chose whether or not to engage in sex. A writer – once engaged in art – cannot choose to keep ideas out or in. They are immediately compromised by their eyes, their mind, and the actions and interactions necessary towards putting their ideas into the world. The popular conception of Genius, the stereotype of the “sole creator visited by revelation”, therefore fails to acknowledge the artist as one more participant in a complex ecosystem of knowledge. 

Failure to acknowledge a fact doesn’t make it go away. This particular failure can, however, cripple a writer’s efforts to produce intelligent work. There is no such thing as intellectual chastity, and artists fail the ideas that drive them by pretending to it.

This line of reasoning leads me to the following four points – my own expansion of the professor’s seven words. What it loses in concision, it makes up for in PG rating. 

The (Not) Like A Virgin Guide to Creating Stuff

  1. You don’t create in isolation. You are not – and should never try to be – safe from others’ ideas and influences. Seek out intellectual viewpoints different from your own. Rigorously engage with them. Figure out what you think about them, and why you think that way. Other’s ideas, whether you agree with them or not, are powerful tools with which to shape and magnify your own unique viewpoint. 
  2. You don’t create in a state of purity. Interesting viewpoints don’t arise from mental or emotional abstinence. Engage with the world around you, and don’t be afraid to feel things strongly. You may choose to later refine the expression, but the initial emotional burst often provides the energy necessary to see the piece through to completion. 
  3. Step away from perfection, move toward the unknown. Your own ideas are not perfect and untouchable. Productivity is a constant negotiation with flaws. Don’t be afraid to write two pages and discard one, or chop and splice away until the piece that emerges is substantially different from your initial idea. Your work’s flaws may be attacked by others; that is to be expected. Your job is simply to make sure it doesn’t attack itself from within by never seeing the light of day. This may mean discarding your initial vision for the piece.
  4. Don’t view others’ work as pure and perfect, either. Be unafraid to question, take apart and reconstruct ideas and work that has meaning to you. Autopsy your idols, if you will; seek their mystery. Give credit honestly, generously, frequently: it’s one of those small courtesies of civilization that make the whole house of cards worthwhile.

1 Let’s address this in the footnotes: not because I believe it should be metaphorically shoved to the bottom of the page, but because I believe you are smart enough to already sense the problems intrinsic with the statement. In the spirit of putting a few of those problems on paper, here it is: viewed from 1972 and second-wave feminism, the words were an uncomfortable shock. They smacked of chauvinistic gatekeeping, a boys-club bastion around the perception of creative and professional excellence. Viewed from today’s #MeToo movement, they become downright skin crawling: a hint of intent towards a more physical threat. 

However, based on other anecdotes of this particular professor, I believe him guilty of chauvinism but not intent towards physical harm. And that doesn’t mean I’m not perfectly happy to pull apart his words to see what gives them that fifty-year punch.


2  You may be questioning my sources. My mother was one of the art students in that freshman class.

Big Cat Thoughts

Big cat thoughts
Today, tomorrow and tonight. 
Glints of color no one knows,
Beyond the spectrum
Beyond the reason and the right. 

It’s not “just another,” it’s not quiet. 
It’s not staying calm, cool, 
Collecting stamps –
This thrill in some sort of fight. 

Today, tomorrow and tonight – 
Through the whisper and the fright, 
Let the record show:
I was alive.