Did You Hear The News?

Did you hear the news? 

What news? Any news. You can pick your source; it doesn’t matter if its via internet, radio, print, or television. They all say the same thing. Today they are united in announcing a great development.

In light of recent events – well, events stretching back years, really – we’re making April 1st the new national holiday. It will replace July 4th, the day formerly known as Independence Day; we value fools over independence anyway, and it’s time to stand by our values. 

This is a dramatic change. No other nation has previously embarked on such a far-reaching realignment of national priorities and policies. We see this shift as a necessary action to stay true to our larger purpose within the global community: that of beacon, guiding light. 

Some minor adjustments to national branding will be necessary. We are discarding the “City On A Hill” ideology in favor of “Ostrich With Its Head In The Sand,” which focus groups have repeatedly indicated speaks to the new American public. As part of this reimaging campaign, several national monuments will be re-designated to fit the needs of a changing American society. 

The Statue of Liberty will be moved to the U.S.-Mexican border, where it will provide vital training towards our immigration agents’ target practice. 

The Lincoln Memorial – which stands for national healing from some sort of division that no one can see or talk about – will be deconstructed and reassembled into a true symbol of unity across differences¹ for all Americans: a Walmart. 

The Smithsonian museums are already closed, due to the stock market meltdown. Plans to reopen them have been postponed indefinitely. A spokesperson says, “They were free to the public anyway; no one will miss them.” It is likely that many libraries and universities will also be re-aligned towards new national needs in the wake of a stifled global economy. 

The reason for the closed institutions, stifled global economy, shelter-in-place orders, underfunded and overworked public health agencies, and over 43K deaths, is irrelevant to this new generation of Americans. Today’s Americans aren’t concerned with reasons. Today’s Americans are driven to accomplish tasks, and never you mind who is driving them. 

With this new shared vision, we know we can count on our fellow citizens to rebuild this great nation’s shattered c-suite raise schedule and executive perks, definitely at the cost of their own health and future prospects². 

Ultimately, this new national direction is more in line with both public values and private interests. New priority will be given to shooting ourselves in the foot; bonus points apply if you hit both feet and your neighbors with a single shot. They were always different from you anyway. Wait, what’s different – your neighbors? Who cares about them? I’m talking about your feet; don’t trust anything capable of walking either to the Left or the Right. From now on we all walk in only one direction. Look at the Egyptians; they seem to have managed it. You know you’re viewing a successful civilization when we’re still busy excavating their dead after this many years. 

Some of our new national priorities will require adjustments from all our citizens. We ask them to remain close-minded in these times of re-entrenchment. Remember: cough on your enemies, run from your friends. Prop up the market and accept you can’t afford to buy. We’ll be back to normal by Easter; we’ll be back to normal by the end of April. We’ll be back to normal when we all stop asking questions, the sure sign of an active mind. 

I’d say April Fools, but it looks like it started early this year and may extend indefinitely.

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¹ Except for differences stemming from poverty and lack of income. Those differences don’t count as differences to be overcome because they’re actual differences.

² World War II would be proud, kids. Maybe we’ll even give you a new generational designation, along the lines of the Greatest Generation? Something catchier, something that can’t be surpassed – wait, I have it. The Last Generation.